World's best resignation letter

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however, I have a few parting thoughts:

1.When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation as I have consistently performed my duties and even more. The most you can say to hurt me is, "I prefer not to comment." To keep you honest, I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2.I have all the passwords to every account on the system and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I will publish your "Favorites," which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not viewed favorably by the university administrations.

3.When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mother's b-day," you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then, like the techno-moron you are, you forgot to erase them. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle. I assure you that those photos are being kept in safe places pending your authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (And, for once, would you please try to use spell-check? I hate correcting your mistakes.)

I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your twisted little repugnant obsessions will become public knowledge. Never f*ck with your systems administrator, Mr. Baker! They know what you do with all that free time!

Sincerely

David Blocker
Network Administrator

A Management Lesson from Hell

Once PVNR (PV Narasimha Rao), L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were traveling in an autorickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died. Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN. But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.

Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc. Then why the differential treatment? He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions.

Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for anEnglish test.PVNR is asked to spell “INDIA” and he does it correctly. Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes.It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA ".Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.

Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three). PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily an passes.Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR.... ." Tough one. He fails again.Laloo is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in hist oryYama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests. PVNR is asked: "When did India get Independence?" He replied "1947" and passed.Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?"He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes. It's Laloo's turn now.''''''''''Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle. Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Moral of the story:
IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THEN THERE IS NO ESCAPE.

Mars and Venus Story with a twist

A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 American men and 1 American woman
H. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman What a Crazy coincidence!

One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:

A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
H. What happened to the Indians????

The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!!!

Everywhere Gujarati

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a newChairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun Doshi an Indian (Gujrati) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do notknow JAVA program to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Arun says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave.500 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Arun says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says `kem chhhe' The other candidate answers 'ek dam majama'.